Deflated

I try, and try, yet I am not solid.
I know because three times I have been deflated.
I imagined the return of the prodigal daughter after a 5 year absence from family functions, and instead received a letter saying come alone or don't come. Deflated.
I tried to be a do-gooder donating to a Breast Cancer Research Charity when I sold items on ebay. When they collected, I bounced a check. When I didn't cancel my "free" trial membership to a vanity music site, I bounced three checks. Deflated and in the hole at Christmas time.
I decided to use my time to write, vigorously attacking writing projects, believing I merit making my living as a writer or musician or something I do naturally. Instead of getting a job while I am in grad school to be a librarian, I gave myself permission to live frugally and write instead, trying to get the creations in my head on paper.
It crossed my mind as I was writing my screenplay, how doubtful it was that I could even get it read, much less having it produced. I smelled whiffs of futility, but decided to jump in instead just because. Just because the story has been dancing in my head and I just decided 5 pages a day and push, push, push, and I would have a screen play in no time.
Final Draft is my enemy.
I hate, hate, hate it.
I had 43 pages of a screenplay I was in love with--the one I have thought of for 5 years, and it crashed. I continually saved it, but it crashed and my precious creation disappeared except for a 30 page PDF version. It is only 13 pages in length, but I really lost 43 pages because the 30 page version is nothing like what it became.
I am not sure I have the heart to write it again!
I am deflated.
I feel like giving up.
Who cares anyway.
I cared a great deal and now I am deflated.
I feel like I can't win for losing.
What if I am a nothing girl after all?