I am jealous of dead people in 2011. It is absurd and wrong, but I envy them for being through with this pain. I hurt and I can't get it to stop. Too many of my milestones are heartache and misery. I don't like my life. I don't value my life. I am sorry, sorry, sorry I feel this way.
For 2012, I need change. Things have got to change. I can't live like this with a broken heart and a mind of misery, battling the need for money to eke out a stupid, worthless existence.
This site has helped me, given me someone to talk to, let me get out the thoughts swirling in my head, but I'm done with this too. I'm slamming the book shut on 2011 and all related subjects.
I want my life back.
I want myself back--the one excited about life and thinking she could make the world a better place, the one who was guided by love and believed happiness was achievable.
I am left with this shell and misery.
I have to believe 2012 will be better.
I am the control. I am the variable. We are both disappointed with our results.
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